This is Peter's last bookmark. I'd like to thank him for sharing so much information about writing. I wish him the best year ever!
Hi, Susan and followers of this blog. Today let's talk about setups and payoffs.
In writing fiction you can do anything you want, fly like superman, get shot in the chest and live, have a beautiful person walk up and ask for a sexual assignation, anything, and make it sound logical, so long as it's set up properly. This is one of the most important topics in fiction writing that is often overlooked.
The success of any book depends on the finesse with which the author sets up each payoff, sometimes called foreshadowing. This is something we've alluded before, but which is important enough to be taken up as a separate subject. For instance, let's take a denouement paragraph in a made-up book's last chapter that hasn't been setup:
Marsha felt her head slam against the butcher-block island as John bent her back across it. She had always liked that feature in her kitchen. His body pressed her down. Fear gripped her as she knew from past newspaper articles that John was a murder and was intent on brutally killing her. As he grabbed her around the neck, smashing her head against the counter, she fought to hold on and suddenly remembered the ten inch chef's knife she kept at the side of the island to cut vegetables. Desperately she reached around for it. She felt the handle, gripped it, then plunged into John's back.
Can you see the trouble with this? We, as writers, have to take the time to show the reader there is a butcher-block island in the kitchen. We have to mention the past newspaper articles to show John is a killer. And 'suddenly remembered' a knife when it is desperately needed? This is like divine intervention. It all stops the action, stretches credibility, and has the feel of being made up as the writer went along, which, of course, it was.
The rule of setups and payoffs is to set up something twice when it is subtle, in case the reader misses it the first time, or once with a BIG show, before playing it in a payoff.
So how would we do that? In chapter two Marsha talks to her lover while cutting vegetables on the butcher-block island for dinner and ends up putting the knife in the side holder. The attention is on the conversation, however, not the action, but subtly we let the reader know about the butcher block and the knife. In chapter eight, Marsha admonishes her son for using the chef's knife in the living room to cut string and returns it to the butcher block. Again the attention is the action between the son and Marsha, but if the readers missed the knife in the butcher block slot the first time, they know it now, and if they did catch it, it's a logical action to replace the knife where it belongs. We work out a similar scenario for the newspaper articles of the killer in different chapters. Now, with everything set up, let's see how the scene plays:
Marsha felt her head slam against the butcher-block island as John bent her back across it, his body pressing her down. He would kill her. That certainty flashed in her mind as she groped for a weapon. He smashed her head down again. She fought to hold on as she felt for the the chef's knife in side slot of the butcher block. She felt the handle, grabbed it, and in one fluid motion plunged it into John's back. Goodbye, John.
That last sentence I just throw in. But see how much faster the motion flows? The paragraph probably should be lengthened for clarity and suspense--I cut it short--but the essential thing to note is that we need no explanations to get in the way of the action.
There is one major caveat to this. If mentioning something twice is good, mentioning it three or twenty three times has to be better, right? No, folks, that's telegraphing it, like saying--look, nudge nudge, knife. So, over-setting something up is as much a problem as not setting it up at all.
If we want our story to flow seamlessly, we'll not only use setups and payoffs for major things, like the chef's knife above, but for minor events as well. Way back in BookMarc #7, in talking about first drafts, we mentioned how we suddenly needed a bar scene in a restaurant. This actually happened as I was writing Killing Thyme, the second of the Jim Dandy Elderhostel Mysteries. If I wanted the novel to flow as if it were happening before my readers' eyes, explaining after the fact--the restaurant had a bar I hadn't notice before--wouldn't do it. I had to go back to the first time Jim entered that restaurant and add a line about seeing the bar. Later, when he goes to the restroom, I added a couple of words like: he passed the door to the bar. Those two lines, spaced at each end of a chapter, brought the reader right into that bar later on w/o any needed explanation.
We can also use negative setups. In one of my pre-and-never-to-be-published books, I setup the unlikely killing of an important man by having someone say "no one would be stupid enough to try to kill him with that many bodyguards around." Do that a couple of times and we get an 'oh yeah' reaction in our reader's mind.
A perfect example of using setups and payoffs is the movie, Medicine Man, with Sean Connery. I recommend renting this movie to every writer I know. Watch it once to see how well it works for entertainment. Then watch it a second time with a pad and mark down every event that takes place, even minor things from the opening scene of burning trees. Nothing is left to chance. Each event is subtly shown, shown again, setting up the watcher to be ready to accept each event as it is finally paid off.
Now you might be saying to yourself, this will take away the suspense at the end. Well, then, go rent Sixth Sense and do the same thing, only don't watch the director's cut until the second time through.
From the beginning BookMarc we've stressed how "easy reading is hard writing." If we want our books to be easy reading, if we want to scoop up our readers and carrying them along in the moment, we'll take the time and make the effort to setup every payoff.
That said, Peter and I both hope readers gleaned a few gems from these 30+ bookmarks and will put the information to good use. I look forward to reading a multitude of wonderful books during 2011.
Showing posts with label Peter Abresch. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Peter Abresch. Show all posts
Friday, January 28, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
More on Dialogue
I have read so many books that make me cringe with overuse of dialogue tags, so I'm glad that Peter Abresch has consented to discuss the issue with all of us who struggle with effective dialogue.
Welcome back, Peter.
Hello, Susan.
There are a few techniques to ease the burden of writing group dialogue, along with tags, beats, and body language. First a review from BookMarc 33, our last discussion.
Tags are particular words, actions, or mannerism that have been previously built into single character and are identified only with him/her. Beats are small bits of action specific to a scene. Finally, body language, self explained as any action and character uses such as a shrug.
Okay, let's check out a reworked and edited dinner scene from Bloody Bonsai as an example to point out how it is done given that the POV character is Jim Dandy:
He piled on food from the buffet line and carried it to the table.
1. "Hello, Jim." The black-haired Sana greeted him in her sing-song India English. "We were indeed wondering if you would make it to tea."
2. "Made a quick trip into Bolder Harbor," he said, spreading lunch booty around his place setting. "Needed a sprayer."
3. "I'tis easy to see you believe in a hardy lunch."
4. "A good lunch sets you right up for a good dinner." Smiles around the table and giggling from Tiffany Crew. "I'll do exercises for a couple of days to take it off."
5. "How about a week?" Dodee asked.
6. Kelly Massy nodded. "How about a month?"
7. "How about a year?" The female half of the Miettlinens gave a pursed lipped smile.
8. Clarence Harmoney forked in some potatoes and gravy, and turned to Simon Crew, "I'm in garbage. That is, I own a garbage company. So, you retired?"
9. "Semi-retired. I'm a stockbroker. No clients anymore, but I'm always working on my own portfolio."
10. "Uh huh. That how you met your wife, she a client of yours?"
11. Jim put down his fork. Clarence had asked the question they all entertained; if the twenty-something roommate was his wife.
12. Tiffany dabbed a napkin to her lips. "Not hardly."
13. "Actually"--Simon adjusted his hexagonal glasses and patted her hand--"I was a client of hers."
Let's break it down according to sentence number.
If we didn't know it was Jim Dandy with a plateful of food, we certainly knew it after line 1. In line 2 we don't need to identify him by name because he is responding, and the same for lines 3 and 4 because, even in a group setting around a table, the reader will assume the two are responding to one another until told differently. But if a different character does break in, the reader must be told, which is what happens on line 5 with Dodee identified by an attribute.
Two more speakers are brought in and identified with body language on lines 6 and 7.
We change speakers again on line 8 with a beat--potatoes and gravy--and body language--turn to Simon Crew–and this eliminates the need to identify who is speaking line 9. Also line 10 needs no identification because it is a response to line 9, the reader assuming these two will be talking to each other until told otherwise.
Line 11 is a bit of interior monologue of Jim, who is the POV character, to convey information.
Following this, on line 12 we identify Tiffany with a beat--dabs napkin to her lips--and finally Simon in line 13 with body language. Notice here had we fully developed the glasses tag for Simon, we might have gotten away with the man adjusted his hexagonal glasses.
We need to look at a few other dialogue bits in this scene. In # 2 we have a fractured sentence, and that's okay. We don't speak grammatically correct English and so our dialogue should reflect that. Our dialogue should also be a reflection of the character, the rough and tumble of Clarence's "I'm in garbage," in sentence 8, and the more refined Simon's use of "stockbroker, client, and portfolio" in 9. Our goal should be to make each dialogue bit so character-oriented that using it in itself will be an identifier. I don't think I'm there yet. Or ever will be.
To write dialogue in group scenes we have to render it down to the essentials. Real life dinner scenes are chaotic with everyone speaking at once. In fiction we report only the conversation between the main players, and even then we keep it down to those things necessary to advance the plot, add to the characterization, or give a sense of place. If we wanted to give it a sense of the chaos around the table, however, we could do that by inserting a line or two of body action and/or internal monologue.
"Hello, Jim." The black-haired Sana greeted him in her sing-song India English.
He saw her lips moving, but couldn't hear with the cacophony of kinves and forks clattering on plates and the buzz of conversation interspersed with laughter. He cupped his hand around his ear. "What was that?"
"I say, we were indeed wondering if you would make it to tea."
He nodded, spread his hands to indicate the noise in the place and leaned towards her. "Made a quick trip into Bolder Harbor. Needed a sprayer."
That would be enough to carry the idea in this short scene, but if it was longer we could add something similar eight or then lines down to touch it up a bit, remind readers of the noise.
Three things will help us with all dialogue, not just in a group. First, we need to try to make notes on stray conversations we hear, especially unusual words and sentence structure. Second, read our dialogue out loud and/or into a tape recorder. If it doesn't sound right, it won't read right. It either needs to be rewritten, or broken up. Third, somewhere between the first and last draft, pull out all the dialogue for each character as though it is a separate book, and read it contiguously for continuity. I know, that's a lot of work, but I never said writing was easy, just if we did it right it would be reading easy.
Notice that I've also used some dialect in sentences 1 and 3. We'll talk about using dialect, and using English to explain what is said in a foreign language in BookMarc #35.
If you would like to personally receive Peter's BookMarcs or check out some other discussions and the table of contents of upcoming BookMarcs, click on the BookMarc logo at: http://www.easyreadingwriting.com
Welcome back, Peter.
Hello, Susan.
There are a few techniques to ease the burden of writing group dialogue, along with tags, beats, and body language. First a review from BookMarc 33, our last discussion.
Tags are particular words, actions, or mannerism that have been previously built into single character and are identified only with him/her. Beats are small bits of action specific to a scene. Finally, body language, self explained as any action and character uses such as a shrug.
Okay, let's check out a reworked and edited dinner scene from Bloody Bonsai as an example to point out how it is done given that the POV character is Jim Dandy:
He piled on food from the buffet line and carried it to the table.
1. "Hello, Jim." The black-haired Sana greeted him in her sing-song India English. "We were indeed wondering if you would make it to tea."
2. "Made a quick trip into Bolder Harbor," he said, spreading lunch booty around his place setting. "Needed a sprayer."
3. "I'tis easy to see you believe in a hardy lunch."
4. "A good lunch sets you right up for a good dinner." Smiles around the table and giggling from Tiffany Crew. "I'll do exercises for a couple of days to take it off."
5. "How about a week?" Dodee asked.
6. Kelly Massy nodded. "How about a month?"
7. "How about a year?" The female half of the Miettlinens gave a pursed lipped smile.
8. Clarence Harmoney forked in some potatoes and gravy, and turned to Simon Crew, "I'm in garbage. That is, I own a garbage company. So, you retired?"
9. "Semi-retired. I'm a stockbroker. No clients anymore, but I'm always working on my own portfolio."
10. "Uh huh. That how you met your wife, she a client of yours?"
11. Jim put down his fork. Clarence had asked the question they all entertained; if the twenty-something roommate was his wife.
12. Tiffany dabbed a napkin to her lips. "Not hardly."
13. "Actually"--Simon adjusted his hexagonal glasses and patted her hand--"I was a client of hers."
Let's break it down according to sentence number.
If we didn't know it was Jim Dandy with a plateful of food, we certainly knew it after line 1. In line 2 we don't need to identify him by name because he is responding, and the same for lines 3 and 4 because, even in a group setting around a table, the reader will assume the two are responding to one another until told differently. But if a different character does break in, the reader must be told, which is what happens on line 5 with Dodee identified by an attribute.
Two more speakers are brought in and identified with body language on lines 6 and 7.
We change speakers again on line 8 with a beat--potatoes and gravy--and body language--turn to Simon Crew–and this eliminates the need to identify who is speaking line 9. Also line 10 needs no identification because it is a response to line 9, the reader assuming these two will be talking to each other until told otherwise.
Line 11 is a bit of interior monologue of Jim, who is the POV character, to convey information.
Following this, on line 12 we identify Tiffany with a beat--dabs napkin to her lips--and finally Simon in line 13 with body language. Notice here had we fully developed the glasses tag for Simon, we might have gotten away with the man adjusted his hexagonal glasses.
We need to look at a few other dialogue bits in this scene. In # 2 we have a fractured sentence, and that's okay. We don't speak grammatically correct English and so our dialogue should reflect that. Our dialogue should also be a reflection of the character, the rough and tumble of Clarence's "I'm in garbage," in sentence 8, and the more refined Simon's use of "stockbroker, client, and portfolio" in 9. Our goal should be to make each dialogue bit so character-oriented that using it in itself will be an identifier. I don't think I'm there yet. Or ever will be.
To write dialogue in group scenes we have to render it down to the essentials. Real life dinner scenes are chaotic with everyone speaking at once. In fiction we report only the conversation between the main players, and even then we keep it down to those things necessary to advance the plot, add to the characterization, or give a sense of place. If we wanted to give it a sense of the chaos around the table, however, we could do that by inserting a line or two of body action and/or internal monologue.
"Hello, Jim." The black-haired Sana greeted him in her sing-song India English.
He saw her lips moving, but couldn't hear with the cacophony of kinves and forks clattering on plates and the buzz of conversation interspersed with laughter. He cupped his hand around his ear. "What was that?"
"I say, we were indeed wondering if you would make it to tea."
He nodded, spread his hands to indicate the noise in the place and leaned towards her. "Made a quick trip into Bolder Harbor. Needed a sprayer."
That would be enough to carry the idea in this short scene, but if it was longer we could add something similar eight or then lines down to touch it up a bit, remind readers of the noise.
Three things will help us with all dialogue, not just in a group. First, we need to try to make notes on stray conversations we hear, especially unusual words and sentence structure. Second, read our dialogue out loud and/or into a tape recorder. If it doesn't sound right, it won't read right. It either needs to be rewritten, or broken up. Third, somewhere between the first and last draft, pull out all the dialogue for each character as though it is a separate book, and read it contiguously for continuity. I know, that's a lot of work, but I never said writing was easy, just if we did it right it would be reading easy.
Notice that I've also used some dialect in sentences 1 and 3. We'll talk about using dialect, and using English to explain what is said in a foreign language in BookMarc #35.
If you would like to personally receive Peter's BookMarcs or check out some other discussions and the table of contents of upcoming BookMarcs, click on the BookMarc logo at: http://www.easyreadingwriting.com
Monday, January 3, 2011
A Discussion about Dialogue
Peter Abresch has taken on the task of discussing dialogue, often one of the biggest challenges of writing fiction. Sit back and read what he has to say. Leave a comment if you'd like.
Happy New Year, Peter!
Let's talk about dialogue.
Susan, same to you! What can I tell you about dialogue? It has to ring true. It has to sound like real dialogue between people w/o it actually being a real conversation.
This is the subject of BookMarc #32
Dialogue - Part 1 of 4
Reporting a real conversation between people would bore our readers faster than a kid sliding down a greased pole.
"Good morning," Sally said.
"Good morning," Sam replied.
"And how are you this morning?" Sally interjected.
"Just fine," Sam exclaimed. "And how are you?"
Grease up the pole, Charlie, our readers are outta here. From this--which is real life dialogue, along with all the ah's and umm's and you-know's--we can see we have to doctor conversation so it sounds real, but render it down to get out the fat.
"Good morning," Sally said.
"Hi," Sam said. "Seen the morning paper?"
We bypass the mundane and jump right into action, yet we must keep the ring of authenticity. Dialogue must also be part of show. A sign of a rank amateur is to have two characters speak solely for the benefit of conveying information.
"As you know, Sally, Kumquats are our business. We are the biggest Kumquat processors in the world."
"Yes, I know that. And I hear the Kumquat crop has been devastated by drought this year, Sam."
"Yes, Sally. We might have to layoff half our staff."
"That will be a hardship on them, won't it Sam? Especially with Christmas coming on."
Give me a break. Telling is telling whether we have quotes around it or not. A dead give away is that "as you know," for if Sally already knows, why tell her? We can still convey information in dialogue, we just have to show it.
Sally looked at the worry lines on Sam's face. "What's bothering you?"
He shook his head and sighed, then nodded towards a big Christmas tree outside. "I have to lay off half my plant."
"Now? At this time of year--"
"Don't start." His jaw set. "You think I like it. We're reaping the benefit of last year's drought on the Kumquat crop. I either lay them off or go into bankruptcy, then we all lose."
Well, it might not be perfect, but you get the idea.
In the first example there is more wrong than just content. Look at the speaker attributes--she said, he replied, she interjected, and he exclaimed. These are also the mark of a rank amateur. In Ed McBain's AUDIO books, it bothers my wife to hear him use he/she said that might continue on for twenty lines. But for print, McBain is right on. Speaker attributes of he/she said disappears for readers as part of the quotes surrounding the dialogue. They never see it. The only thing that registers is who is speaking. But if you throw in a whole lot of exclaims and interjects they'll stand out like a squashed frog on a wall. Use he/she said or he/she asked all the time. Even the other way around said he/she calls attention to itself, although I find myself using it occasionally. Hey, I'm human.
Similarly, in the third example there is more wrong than just telling in dialogue. Notice how the two speakers keep using the other's name? Does that sound natural? If you just met someone you might repeat his name to remember it, and for the reader to remember it, that might get by. But between two people who know one another? It's another sign of the amateur. Always try to picture two people talking, then take out everything but the essentials to advance the story, add to characterization, or gives a sense of place.
BTW, continually using names in narration is just as clunky. After introducing the characters so the readers knows their names, use pronouns wherever your can, it brinks them closer to the reader.
Dialogue should make up 40 to 60 percent of our story, so we have to get it right.
Now, let's talk about using tags, beats, and body language as dialogue identifiers.
In BookMarc #32 we said we only wanted to use he/she-said for speaker attributes. But there are other ways to identify dialogue ownership.
This is the subject of BookMarc #33
Dialogue - Part 2 of 4
When we said we only wanted to use he/she-said for speaker attributes, we also want to use them w/o modifiers. This is obvious from what used to be called Tom Swifties from early 20th century books of the same name:
"I'm dying of thirst," Tom said dryly.
"We could freeze out here," Tom said coldly.
But the same can be said of using an adverb for an emotion:
"Now, Dear, we shouldn't be doing that," Sally said angrily.
"Let's go to bed together," Sally said shyly.
If the dialogue doesn't carry the emotion, a modifier won't cut it. It has to be rewritten. And if the dialogue does carry the emotion, the adverb is un-necessary and detracting:
"Cut that out," Sally said.
"I don't know how to put this, but, ah, maybe, um, sometime maybe we should maybe think about going to bed together," Sally said.
But there are some exceptions to using modifiers, like when we need to describe the volume of the dialogue:
"Keep in the shadows," he said softly (quietly, lowly).
"Keep in the shadows," he whispered.
"Watch out," he shouted.
Some writers disparage 'whisper,' but I use it because the one word conveys speaker volume. The same with shout or yell. Does that mean it's okay? I think any of the above examples work so long as they aren't overused. In a short scene, once is enough to set it up and the reader will assume an answer is also spoken in a whisper. We might want to use it a second time as a reminder for longer tracts. We also might tell how it sounds if it's important or character dependent, but even here we still use 'said.'
"I'm Senator Rafferty," he said, using the full imperial power of his sonorous voice.
Of course, if the dialogue is a question, 'ask' should be used instead of 'said.' I sometimes try to pose a rhetorical question using said, like--"Waddya say?" he said--but my last editor always changed it to ask, and, wanting to be published, I acquiesced. She insists, as well, I change 'till' to 'until' although both are valid, but TILL I have a best seller, I'll go along.
Tags, beats, and body language are also be used as a dialogue identifiers, especially in writing group scenes.
Tags are particular words, actions, or mannerism that have been previously built into single character. If George blinks nervously all the time, we can use the identifying tag when he reenters a scene--George came into the room, big eyes blinking away--or when he is speaking you can use the tag w/o the name:
"Why do that?" Blink, blink. "It's unnecessary."
Beats are small bits of action specific to a scene. If conversation takes place while repairing a car, it's logical to intersperse the dialogue with an identifying action:
"It is so necessary." John tightened the nuts on the engine block. "We'll never make it to Timbuktu unless it's fixed."
Finally, we can use body language as an identifier, a better indication of a character's true feelings than what he/she says, and we can use it either in concert or in conflict with the dialogue:
"Who wants to go get an ice cream?" Jim asked.
Jane stared sideways at Jim, her arms and legs crossed, hands clenched into fist-balls. "I'd love to go with you."
Sally's eyebrows arched. "I'll go, too." She leaned forward on her chair as if ready to spring to her feet.
Sally is obviously excited about going with Jim, but Jane, contradicting her dialog, probably wants nothing to do with it.
You can do a lot with body language. Sometimes you can replace dialogue with just a simple she nodded or he shook his head for obvious responses. But consider also of all the other facial and body actions that a character can use to indicate an action or moment of thought, how he stands, shrugs, leans against the wall, crosses arms, wrinkles his brow and turns down his lips. These body actions can be used as a dialogue identifier, a beat, and, if we have built up a specific action for a character, we can use it as a tag, as in the blink, blink above.
"I don't know." John rubbed his finger beside his nose twice in that peculiar action he does when he's unsure. "Tell you what." He pointed his finger. "Let's see how the ballistics match."
From this body language example it should be obvious John's dialogue is paused while he is thinking, and if John has done this a couple of times before, we can eliminate "in that peculiar action he does..." because it has become a tag for John. Now you might argue that it cost more words than just saying, John thought a moment, but body language says a lot about a character. Using it as I have here gives us the picture, it SHOWS us, it engages us as a real world action. Is it worth spending the words? Your decision. Me, I'd spend them.
Next time, we'll use speaker attributes, beats, tags, and body language to demonstrate an example of writing a dialogue scene among a group of characters.
If you would like to personally receive Peter's BookMarcs, click on the BookMarc logo a couple of times at: http://www.easyreadingwriting.com
Happy New Year, Peter!
Let's talk about dialogue.
Susan, same to you! What can I tell you about dialogue? It has to ring true. It has to sound like real dialogue between people w/o it actually being a real conversation.
This is the subject of BookMarc #32
Dialogue - Part 1 of 4
Reporting a real conversation between people would bore our readers faster than a kid sliding down a greased pole.
"Good morning," Sally said.
"Good morning," Sam replied.
"And how are you this morning?" Sally interjected.
"Just fine," Sam exclaimed. "And how are you?"
Grease up the pole, Charlie, our readers are outta here. From this--which is real life dialogue, along with all the ah's and umm's and you-know's--we can see we have to doctor conversation so it sounds real, but render it down to get out the fat.
"Good morning," Sally said.
"Hi," Sam said. "Seen the morning paper?"
We bypass the mundane and jump right into action, yet we must keep the ring of authenticity. Dialogue must also be part of show. A sign of a rank amateur is to have two characters speak solely for the benefit of conveying information.
"As you know, Sally, Kumquats are our business. We are the biggest Kumquat processors in the world."
"Yes, I know that. And I hear the Kumquat crop has been devastated by drought this year, Sam."
"Yes, Sally. We might have to layoff half our staff."
"That will be a hardship on them, won't it Sam? Especially with Christmas coming on."
Give me a break. Telling is telling whether we have quotes around it or not. A dead give away is that "as you know," for if Sally already knows, why tell her? We can still convey information in dialogue, we just have to show it.
Sally looked at the worry lines on Sam's face. "What's bothering you?"
He shook his head and sighed, then nodded towards a big Christmas tree outside. "I have to lay off half my plant."
"Now? At this time of year--"
"Don't start." His jaw set. "You think I like it. We're reaping the benefit of last year's drought on the Kumquat crop. I either lay them off or go into bankruptcy, then we all lose."
Well, it might not be perfect, but you get the idea.
In the first example there is more wrong than just content. Look at the speaker attributes--she said, he replied, she interjected, and he exclaimed. These are also the mark of a rank amateur. In Ed McBain's AUDIO books, it bothers my wife to hear him use he/she said that might continue on for twenty lines. But for print, McBain is right on. Speaker attributes of he/she said disappears for readers as part of the quotes surrounding the dialogue. They never see it. The only thing that registers is who is speaking. But if you throw in a whole lot of exclaims and interjects they'll stand out like a squashed frog on a wall. Use he/she said or he/she asked all the time. Even the other way around said he/she calls attention to itself, although I find myself using it occasionally. Hey, I'm human.
Similarly, in the third example there is more wrong than just telling in dialogue. Notice how the two speakers keep using the other's name? Does that sound natural? If you just met someone you might repeat his name to remember it, and for the reader to remember it, that might get by. But between two people who know one another? It's another sign of the amateur. Always try to picture two people talking, then take out everything but the essentials to advance the story, add to characterization, or gives a sense of place.
BTW, continually using names in narration is just as clunky. After introducing the characters so the readers knows their names, use pronouns wherever your can, it brinks them closer to the reader.
Dialogue should make up 40 to 60 percent of our story, so we have to get it right.
Now, let's talk about using tags, beats, and body language as dialogue identifiers.
In BookMarc #32 we said we only wanted to use he/she-said for speaker attributes. But there are other ways to identify dialogue ownership.
This is the subject of BookMarc #33
Dialogue - Part 2 of 4
When we said we only wanted to use he/she-said for speaker attributes, we also want to use them w/o modifiers. This is obvious from what used to be called Tom Swifties from early 20th century books of the same name:
"I'm dying of thirst," Tom said dryly.
"We could freeze out here," Tom said coldly.
But the same can be said of using an adverb for an emotion:
"Now, Dear, we shouldn't be doing that," Sally said angrily.
"Let's go to bed together," Sally said shyly.
If the dialogue doesn't carry the emotion, a modifier won't cut it. It has to be rewritten. And if the dialogue does carry the emotion, the adverb is un-necessary and detracting:
"Cut that out," Sally said.
"I don't know how to put this, but, ah, maybe, um, sometime maybe we should maybe think about going to bed together," Sally said.
But there are some exceptions to using modifiers, like when we need to describe the volume of the dialogue:
"Keep in the shadows," he said softly (quietly, lowly).
"Keep in the shadows," he whispered.
"Watch out," he shouted.
Some writers disparage 'whisper,' but I use it because the one word conveys speaker volume. The same with shout or yell. Does that mean it's okay? I think any of the above examples work so long as they aren't overused. In a short scene, once is enough to set it up and the reader will assume an answer is also spoken in a whisper. We might want to use it a second time as a reminder for longer tracts. We also might tell how it sounds if it's important or character dependent, but even here we still use 'said.'
"I'm Senator Rafferty," he said, using the full imperial power of his sonorous voice.
Of course, if the dialogue is a question, 'ask' should be used instead of 'said.' I sometimes try to pose a rhetorical question using said, like--"Waddya say?" he said--but my last editor always changed it to ask, and, wanting to be published, I acquiesced. She insists, as well, I change 'till' to 'until' although both are valid, but TILL I have a best seller, I'll go along.
Tags, beats, and body language are also be used as a dialogue identifiers, especially in writing group scenes.
Tags are particular words, actions, or mannerism that have been previously built into single character. If George blinks nervously all the time, we can use the identifying tag when he reenters a scene--George came into the room, big eyes blinking away--or when he is speaking you can use the tag w/o the name:
"Why do that?" Blink, blink. "It's unnecessary."
Beats are small bits of action specific to a scene. If conversation takes place while repairing a car, it's logical to intersperse the dialogue with an identifying action:
"It is so necessary." John tightened the nuts on the engine block. "We'll never make it to Timbuktu unless it's fixed."
Finally, we can use body language as an identifier, a better indication of a character's true feelings than what he/she says, and we can use it either in concert or in conflict with the dialogue:
"Who wants to go get an ice cream?" Jim asked.
Jane stared sideways at Jim, her arms and legs crossed, hands clenched into fist-balls. "I'd love to go with you."
Sally's eyebrows arched. "I'll go, too." She leaned forward on her chair as if ready to spring to her feet.
Sally is obviously excited about going with Jim, but Jane, contradicting her dialog, probably wants nothing to do with it.
You can do a lot with body language. Sometimes you can replace dialogue with just a simple she nodded or he shook his head for obvious responses. But consider also of all the other facial and body actions that a character can use to indicate an action or moment of thought, how he stands, shrugs, leans against the wall, crosses arms, wrinkles his brow and turns down his lips. These body actions can be used as a dialogue identifier, a beat, and, if we have built up a specific action for a character, we can use it as a tag, as in the blink, blink above.
"I don't know." John rubbed his finger beside his nose twice in that peculiar action he does when he's unsure. "Tell you what." He pointed his finger. "Let's see how the ballistics match."
From this body language example it should be obvious John's dialogue is paused while he is thinking, and if John has done this a couple of times before, we can eliminate "in that peculiar action he does..." because it has become a tag for John. Now you might argue that it cost more words than just saying, John thought a moment, but body language says a lot about a character. Using it as I have here gives us the picture, it SHOWS us, it engages us as a real world action. Is it worth spending the words? Your decision. Me, I'd spend them.
Next time, we'll use speaker attributes, beats, tags, and body language to demonstrate an example of writing a dialogue scene among a group of characters.
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